Month: November 2019

Alabama Straight out of the Beer Fest Movie!

Alright guys i think i am on to something here. So last night I went out and went pretty hard. I ended up waking up at around 11 this morning to start a productive day of watching sports on the couch.

I ended up turning on the Alabama game and they were up over 50 points! I then heard the commentators say that Tagovailoa threw a TD pass and looked really good on a drive. I thought to myself how in the hell did he Tua come back and play in this game right after having a devastating hip injury!  I quickly realized it was actually his younger brother who is also a QB on the Alabama roster.  I thought this was quite interesting so I decided to start doing some research to see when a brother of a recently injured player came up clutch.

Here is what i found…. In 2006 a legendary player by the name of Landfill tragically drowned before the Beer Fest games.  The US team was in a bind and thought their chances of winning the event was over.  Then miraculously his twin brother Gil appeared and happened to be just as good as his brother at all the beer fest events!  In the finals the US team ended up crushing the Germans and it was all due to Gil stepping up when time calls!

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LandFill
Image result for beerfest gil
GIL

So with this new data I predict Saban to lean on Taulia Tagovailoa to take them to the promise land and win another national championship! ROLL TIDE!!!!

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Tua
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Taulia

That’s A Bad Man: Latrell Sprewell Gives Absolutely Zero Fucks

Latrell Sprewell is a bad fucking man… just look at his rap sheet

-In 1994 Sprewell’s pitbull severed his own 4 year old daughters ear.  His response to it… “People die all the time and if it had been more serious it would have affected me”

-In junior college Sprewell and his teammates were arrested for stealing bateries from a convenience store

-While on the Warriors he would get in fights with Byron Houston and Jerome Kersey in practice.  After one fight with Kersey he returned with a 2×4 but was restrained by teammates

-HE TRIED TO FUCKING KILL HIS COACH PJ CARLESIMO

December 1, 1997, was the blowup, at a moment when the Warriors’ record was 1-13. “We all seen it coming,” Coles says. During practice, Sprewell was running a three-man, two-ball shooting drill with the point guard Muggsy Bogues and Mark Grabow, an assistant coach. Sprewell’s job was to keep passing, rapid-fire, to Bogues, who in turn was to try to get as many shots off as possible in a 55-second span.

Carlesimo stood and watched, dissatisfied by the pace. “Get Muggsy some more shots, Spree,” he said.

Sprewell didn’t think there was anything wrong with his passes, so he kept passing exactly as he had been.

“Come on Spree, give him a sharper, crisper pass,” Carlesimo said, a bit louder.

He called Sprewell’s name again.

Sprewell wheeled around. He slammed the ball to the floor. “Get off my back, motherfucker.”

“You’re the fuck out of here,” Carlesimo said. “Just go, Spree. Just leave.”

Sprewell walked over to Carlesimo and grabbed him tight around the throat. “I’ll kill you,” Sprewell said, pushing Carlesimo backward.

“Do it,” Carlesimo said.

It was about ten seconds until two assistant coaches pulled Sprewell off and led him out of the gym. “Get me the fuck out of here!” he yelled. “Trade me! I hate you!” He knocked over a water cooler.

Coles joined Sprewell in the hallway because he hoped to calm him down, but was called back; Carlesimo wanted to resume practice without a break.

If only he’d let Coles have his way. About fifteen minutes later, Sprewell returned to the gym. Two coaches tried to grab him, but he was already around the baseline and under the basket, where Carlesimo was monitoring a full-court drill.

“Don’t touch me,” Sprewell said. And then to Carlesimo: “I’m going to fuck you up.” He grazed Carlesimo’s cheek with an overhand punch as a swarm of coaches and players again pulled him away.

Sprewell testified he heard a teammate, Duane Ferrell, tell him he was only making himself look bad, and he felt humiliated all of a sudden. He was throwing a silly, violent tantrum. “Trade me,” he yelled, and then realized he was missing a flip-flop and looked even more foolish, with one bare foot. “Give me my damned shoe.”

-He can’t even do math… when the Timberwolves offered him a 3 year $21 million contract extension he said “I have a family to feed.. how am I supposed to feed by family off $7 million a year”

All that said.. this still might be one of the greatest clips of all time..

Thanks for keeping it real Latrell!!!

24 Hour Fitness Is Changing Their Hours & I Don’t Think They Can Call Themselves That Anymore

I’m not a gymrat but I do like to workout a few times a week (usually run a few miles and then do some lifting/stretching).  I’ve been a member of 24 Hour Fitness probably since I was 19 or 20 and my girlfriend has a membership as well.  It’s nice because we can go together and there’s also TWO located less than 5 minutes away from our spot.  When I was single I would go to the gym pretty late at night.  My schedule would be like.. get off work around 6pm, sit in traffic until 7:30pm, play poker until midnight, and then hit the gym from midnight until around 1-1:30am.

Since we both have remote jobs we usually just workout during the day.. but according to 24 Hour Fitness’s (HOLY SHIT HOW DO YOU MAKE IT PLURAL?) new hours we don’t even have the option to workout late at night.

BREAKING NEWS

24 Hour Fitness New Hours

24 Hour Fitness is no longer open 24 hours a day!  They’re now closing from midnight and reopening at 4am every day.  WTF?!  Are they purposely doing this so that we talk about how DUMB this is?  Your entire business is named and based off you being opened 24 hours a day!  Does this mean that fast food restaurants open 24 hours will now be closed from midnight to 4am also?!

I tried contacting 24 Hour Fitness directly for comment but it was 1:07am and they didn’t pickup.

I Was An Uber Driver For Halloween And It Fucking Sucked

Sitting at a new hipster coffee spot in Costa Mesa with shitty internet and typing this blog on Microsoft word so this may not be SFW.  I drove for Uber on Halloween and got absolutely fucked.  I wish I could tell you about how I picked up drunk Halloween people but the truth is I only drove during the day and I was too over it at night to deal with the drunks.  Here’s what went down..

1:13pm – I buy a magic mount from Target and take a fucking selfie so that I can start driving

1:30pm – Head down to Long Beach from Costa Mesa to pick up some things from my mom’s house

2:15pm – Pick up my shit, decide to head back to Costa Mesa and to “go online” and complete a few rides on my way home

2:30pm – Pick up my first Uber riders ever at Long Beach City College.  It’s these two kids headed home deep into Long Beach.  For some reason I’m clicking the huge button to start the ride and it’s not fucking working.  I tell the kid this shit isn’t working and ask for the cross streets.  That’s when I realize I’m supposed to fucking swipe right to start the ride.  Not off to a hot start but I’m on my way, even if it’s the opposite direction I want to go.  I drop the kids off and I’m officially an Uber driver now.

(damnit.. some girl at the table next to me is reading Jim Crow shit for what I’m assuming is law school and I’m writing a stupid fucking blog)

2:33pm – I get another ride like a mile from where I dropped off these kids and it’s this kid headed to work in Torrance.  FUCK ME, it’s Thursday (Halloween) and traffic is going to be a nightmare coming back but I’m locked in now.  He gets in and just goes straight to headphones so we cruise for about 30 minutes and I drop him off.

3:05pm – Call my girlfriend and tell her about my two Uber rides and that I’m headed back home…

(reflecting on the cashier at this coffee spot telling me “I hope it snows soon” because I’m wearing a beanie.. that is pretty fucked up.  What if I had cancer?  Or if I had some crazy fucking head injury that he doesn’t even know about?  Not a fan of this fucking cashier.)

3:07pm – Pick up this girl from a church in Torrance and drop her off in Hermosa Beach (even further from home).  She tips me $2 though because I listened to her talk about what her kids were dressing up for Halloween (A skunk and a rhino).  She also talks about the air quality from the fires and makes me wish my parents were so thoughtful and let me stay home from school when there were fires.

3:08pm – Get a request from this dude in Hermosa a half a mile from where I dropped off the girl.  He’s in a full rocketman suit and ready to fucking party.  He tells me we’re headed to Venice Beach and he’s going to get FUCKED up tonight.  I reply sickkkkk.  This is probably the best ride of the day.. .as I’m driving down Hermosa’s main street next to the ocean I hit a yellow light and decide to shoot it.  Only problem is there’s a car on the other side and he’s trying to turn left in front of me.  He ends up just turning straight in front of me and I have to slam on the brakes.  I tell the guy in my car sorry but instead he engages me with the best convo of the trip..

Him: “NAH FUCK THAT GUY.. R U FUCKING SERIOUS? IS THAT FUCKING GUY SERIOUS?  AND THEN HE FUCKING PUTS HIS HAND UP AT US LIKE ITS OUR FAULT.. WTF?!”

Me: “Yeah dude.. I mean I was going to shoot it but he pulled straight in front of me”

Him: “DUDE I WOULD HAVE SHOT THAT 100%… FUCK THAT GUY.. WHAT A FUCKING GUY THAT GUY WAS”

Same team brother.  I end up getting him dropped off around 3:40pm and now I’m basically in Venice Beach at the WORST fucking time.

3:40pm – Start heading back home to Costa Mesa and it says it’s going to take 2 hours and 30 fucking minutes.  Wow… fuck my life.  I sit on the 405 and get back to Long Beach around 6:15pm.

6:20pm – Decide to pick up someone when I exit to take PCH down to Costa Mesa and get a rider in front of the Baskin Robbins in the Traffic Circle.  It’s this black lady who had just ate at Dickey’s BBQ.  We end up engaging in conversation and she’s nice.  Only problem, she’s going deep into Long Beach (Anaheim / Pacific) and taking me the opposite direction once more.  We talk about all kinds of shit and when we arrive she tells me I’m nice and that’s she going to tip me.  Yeah tips don’t lie, she definitely didn’t tip me but it’s okay I’m not bitter.

7:00pm – Get home and never want to drive Uber again even if I did make $46.72