Author: whitetiger

CONFIRMED: The Kia Hamsters Don’t Know How To Fucking Drive

It’s almost been 10 years since the Kia Soul Hamsters were a thing.

Yeah.. you remember now… “You can get with this… or you can get with that”.  I’ve always sucked at symbolism/metaphors but apparently it was a push to position the Kia Soul as an escape from the proverbial hamster wheel.  Whatever… all I know is these hamsters got mad famous and were basically running the streets of LA for a few years.  Hadn’t really made an appearance for 5+ years but I’m pretty sure I spotted these fuckers in the parking lot of my work and can confirm that they are really fucking bad at driving/parking.

Kia Soul Hamster Park Job

Let’s hope the new Kia Soul comes with that smahhhhrt park feature Jim Halpert was selling us on yesterday.

Is My Girlfriend’s Insensitivity To Disabled Persons A Red Flag?

This weekend my girlfriend and I celebrated our one year anniversary.  We also celebrated our roommate/friend’s birthday who caused Zion Williamson’s injury and delayed his debut in the NBA on Saturday with a sports themed party Saturday night.  Instead of trying to cram everything into one weekend, we decided to plan a trip to San Diego in the next few weeks to fully celebrate our anniversary.

One night in bed, Michelle starts looking at hotels and discovers the Hyatt has some good deals on their rooms and it’s right near the Gaslamp area where we’d probably be Friday/Saturday night.

Michelle: Wow.. whoever does the marketing for Hyatt SUCKS!!

Me: What do you mean?

Michelle: This room has a tub but like why the fuck would they market Closed Captioning television?  Like the listing above it says 65″ HD television.. and instead of writing that they write Closed Captioning…it’s like they don’t even know how to write features 

Me: *Looks over and sees that Michelle is looking at this listing..*

ADA Room

Michelle: Lowered shelves… what are we midgets or something? 

Michelle: Wide bathroom doors.. who the fuck needs that? 

Me: Michelle.. you realize that’s an ADA room and it’s for people with special needs or disabled people.

Michelle:

 

Bad Beat Thursday: Dr. Pepper Chest Passes

This week Barstool Sports ran a promotion where they gave cash to people posting their worst beats (sports / props / gambling / etc.).  I’ve had my fair share of bad beats but I’m still salty from one specific beat that came all the way back in 2010.

The Dr. Pepper Challenge

Two kids compete against each other by throwing as many 5 yard football passes through a target in 30 seconds for a chance to win a $100,000 oversized tuition check.

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Here’s the official rules if you’re a nerd… (also who the fuck doesn’t want to win an oversized check just once in their life?)dr-pepper-challenge-rules.PNG

It’s 2010 and I’m sitting down watching Auburn destroy South Carolina in the SEC Championship game.  I’m bored.. not engaged.. but then the Dr. Pepper challenge makes its debut.  Holy shit.. $100k to throw some balls in a target.. guy vs girl… I HAVE TO BET ON THIS.  So I lay my friend 5 to 1 odds and take the guy (Matt Fairfield) and my buddy takes the girl (Nikki Boon).

Well… the rest is history.  Nikki read the rules and absolutely DESTROYED this kid by chest passing footballs left and right into the target.  Watch for yourself..

 

You gotta feel for Matt.. my friends would NEVER let me live this down if I lost this.  His dad filled with regret for every pass he threw to him growing up.  Looking over and watching $100k slip away while this random girl throws Steve Nash like chest passes through the target.  Nightmares the rest of his life of Nikki Boon’s head on Herm Edwards body repeating “YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME”

That’s A Bad Man: Latrell Sprewell Gives Absolutely Zero Fucks

Latrell Sprewell is a bad fucking man… just look at his rap sheet

-In 1994 Sprewell’s pitbull severed his own 4 year old daughters ear.  His response to it… “People die all the time and if it had been more serious it would have affected me”

-In junior college Sprewell and his teammates were arrested for stealing bateries from a convenience store

-While on the Warriors he would get in fights with Byron Houston and Jerome Kersey in practice.  After one fight with Kersey he returned with a 2×4 but was restrained by teammates

-HE TRIED TO FUCKING KILL HIS COACH PJ CARLESIMO

December 1, 1997, was the blowup, at a moment when the Warriors’ record was 1-13. “We all seen it coming,” Coles says. During practice, Sprewell was running a three-man, two-ball shooting drill with the point guard Muggsy Bogues and Mark Grabow, an assistant coach. Sprewell’s job was to keep passing, rapid-fire, to Bogues, who in turn was to try to get as many shots off as possible in a 55-second span.

Carlesimo stood and watched, dissatisfied by the pace. “Get Muggsy some more shots, Spree,” he said.

Sprewell didn’t think there was anything wrong with his passes, so he kept passing exactly as he had been.

“Come on Spree, give him a sharper, crisper pass,” Carlesimo said, a bit louder.

He called Sprewell’s name again.

Sprewell wheeled around. He slammed the ball to the floor. “Get off my back, motherfucker.”

“You’re the fuck out of here,” Carlesimo said. “Just go, Spree. Just leave.”

Sprewell walked over to Carlesimo and grabbed him tight around the throat. “I’ll kill you,” Sprewell said, pushing Carlesimo backward.

“Do it,” Carlesimo said.

It was about ten seconds until two assistant coaches pulled Sprewell off and led him out of the gym. “Get me the fuck out of here!” he yelled. “Trade me! I hate you!” He knocked over a water cooler.

Coles joined Sprewell in the hallway because he hoped to calm him down, but was called back; Carlesimo wanted to resume practice without a break.

If only he’d let Coles have his way. About fifteen minutes later, Sprewell returned to the gym. Two coaches tried to grab him, but he was already around the baseline and under the basket, where Carlesimo was monitoring a full-court drill.

“Don’t touch me,” Sprewell said. And then to Carlesimo: “I’m going to fuck you up.” He grazed Carlesimo’s cheek with an overhand punch as a swarm of coaches and players again pulled him away.

Sprewell testified he heard a teammate, Duane Ferrell, tell him he was only making himself look bad, and he felt humiliated all of a sudden. He was throwing a silly, violent tantrum. “Trade me,” he yelled, and then realized he was missing a flip-flop and looked even more foolish, with one bare foot. “Give me my damned shoe.”

-He can’t even do math… when the Timberwolves offered him a 3 year $21 million contract extension he said “I have a family to feed.. how am I supposed to feed by family off $7 million a year”

All that said.. this still might be one of the greatest clips of all time..

Thanks for keeping it real Latrell!!!

24 Hour Fitness Is Changing Their Hours & I Don’t Think They Can Call Themselves That Anymore

I’m not a gymrat but I do like to workout a few times a week (usually run a few miles and then do some lifting/stretching).  I’ve been a member of 24 Hour Fitness probably since I was 19 or 20 and my girlfriend has a membership as well.  It’s nice because we can go together and there’s also TWO located less than 5 minutes away from our spot.  When I was single I would go to the gym pretty late at night.  My schedule would be like.. get off work around 6pm, sit in traffic until 7:30pm, play poker until midnight, and then hit the gym from midnight until around 1-1:30am.

Since we both have remote jobs we usually just workout during the day.. but according to 24 Hour Fitness’s (HOLY SHIT HOW DO YOU MAKE IT PLURAL?) new hours we don’t even have the option to workout late at night.

BREAKING NEWS

24 Hour Fitness New Hours

24 Hour Fitness is no longer open 24 hours a day!  They’re now closing from midnight and reopening at 4am every day.  WTF?!  Are they purposely doing this so that we talk about how DUMB this is?  Your entire business is named and based off you being opened 24 hours a day!  Does this mean that fast food restaurants open 24 hours will now be closed from midnight to 4am also?!

I tried contacting 24 Hour Fitness directly for comment but it was 1:07am and they didn’t pickup.

I Was An Uber Driver For Halloween And It Fucking Sucked

Sitting at a new hipster coffee spot in Costa Mesa with shitty internet and typing this blog on Microsoft word so this may not be SFW.  I drove for Uber on Halloween and got absolutely fucked.  I wish I could tell you about how I picked up drunk Halloween people but the truth is I only drove during the day and I was too over it at night to deal with the drunks.  Here’s what went down..

1:13pm – I buy a magic mount from Target and take a fucking selfie so that I can start driving

1:30pm – Head down to Long Beach from Costa Mesa to pick up some things from my mom’s house

2:15pm – Pick up my shit, decide to head back to Costa Mesa and to “go online” and complete a few rides on my way home

2:30pm – Pick up my first Uber riders ever at Long Beach City College.  It’s these two kids headed home deep into Long Beach.  For some reason I’m clicking the huge button to start the ride and it’s not fucking working.  I tell the kid this shit isn’t working and ask for the cross streets.  That’s when I realize I’m supposed to fucking swipe right to start the ride.  Not off to a hot start but I’m on my way, even if it’s the opposite direction I want to go.  I drop the kids off and I’m officially an Uber driver now.

(damnit.. some girl at the table next to me is reading Jim Crow shit for what I’m assuming is law school and I’m writing a stupid fucking blog)

2:33pm – I get another ride like a mile from where I dropped off these kids and it’s this kid headed to work in Torrance.  FUCK ME, it’s Thursday (Halloween) and traffic is going to be a nightmare coming back but I’m locked in now.  He gets in and just goes straight to headphones so we cruise for about 30 minutes and I drop him off.

3:05pm – Call my girlfriend and tell her about my two Uber rides and that I’m headed back home…

(reflecting on the cashier at this coffee spot telling me “I hope it snows soon” because I’m wearing a beanie.. that is pretty fucked up.  What if I had cancer?  Or if I had some crazy fucking head injury that he doesn’t even know about?  Not a fan of this fucking cashier.)

3:07pm – Pick up this girl from a church in Torrance and drop her off in Hermosa Beach (even further from home).  She tips me $2 though because I listened to her talk about what her kids were dressing up for Halloween (A skunk and a rhino).  She also talks about the air quality from the fires and makes me wish my parents were so thoughtful and let me stay home from school when there were fires.

3:08pm – Get a request from this dude in Hermosa a half a mile from where I dropped off the girl.  He’s in a full rocketman suit and ready to fucking party.  He tells me we’re headed to Venice Beach and he’s going to get FUCKED up tonight.  I reply sickkkkk.  This is probably the best ride of the day.. .as I’m driving down Hermosa’s main street next to the ocean I hit a yellow light and decide to shoot it.  Only problem is there’s a car on the other side and he’s trying to turn left in front of me.  He ends up just turning straight in front of me and I have to slam on the brakes.  I tell the guy in my car sorry but instead he engages me with the best convo of the trip..

Him: “NAH FUCK THAT GUY.. R U FUCKING SERIOUS? IS THAT FUCKING GUY SERIOUS?  AND THEN HE FUCKING PUTS HIS HAND UP AT US LIKE ITS OUR FAULT.. WTF?!”

Me: “Yeah dude.. I mean I was going to shoot it but he pulled straight in front of me”

Him: “DUDE I WOULD HAVE SHOT THAT 100%… FUCK THAT GUY.. WHAT A FUCKING GUY THAT GUY WAS”

Same team brother.  I end up getting him dropped off around 3:40pm and now I’m basically in Venice Beach at the WORST fucking time.

3:40pm – Start heading back home to Costa Mesa and it says it’s going to take 2 hours and 30 fucking minutes.  Wow… fuck my life.  I sit on the 405 and get back to Long Beach around 6:15pm.

6:20pm – Decide to pick up someone when I exit to take PCH down to Costa Mesa and get a rider in front of the Baskin Robbins in the Traffic Circle.  It’s this black lady who had just ate at Dickey’s BBQ.  We end up engaging in conversation and she’s nice.  Only problem, she’s going deep into Long Beach (Anaheim / Pacific) and taking me the opposite direction once more.  We talk about all kinds of shit and when we arrive she tells me I’m nice and that’s she going to tip me.  Yeah tips don’t lie, she definitely didn’t tip me but it’s okay I’m not bitter.

7:00pm – Get home and never want to drive Uber again even if I did make $46.72

Juan Soto Put Bregman In A Body Bag 3 Ninjas Style Last Night & I Still Can’t Get Over It

Last night was insane…

First… Alex Bregman taking his bat all the way to first base to celebrate his homerun off Strasburg

Second.. Juan Soto saying “FUCK THAT I WANT TO BRING MY BAT TO FIRST BASE ALSO CUZ IT LOOKS FUN TOO”

I haven’t seen someone get shown up that much since the 3 Ninja’s spotted those thug bike stealers 9 points and played to 10..

Tonight should be LIT!!!

Zack Greinke, Max Scherzer, Game 7, LET’S FUCKING GO

Two pitching LEGENDS that both give absolutely zero fucks about anything but winning… Two CY YOUNG winners battling for glory… Two WEIRD fucking guys ready to get after it… What more could you ask for?

Max Scherzer .. Getting all fired up and pissed off

vs.

Zack Greinke.. telling his teammates to wipe after they poop

I think I’m rooting for the Astros tonight because this is still one of my favorite hats of all time…

 

What’s The Play? My “Friend” Tried To Buy Me A Drink With My Girlfriend’s Money At A Vegas Pool Party…

Yeah you read that headline right… this summer I was in Vegas for the World Series of Poker.  My girlfriend came along for the ride and we had some friends also visiting that were going to a pool party on the 4th of July.  We had both never been but decided to stop by for a couple hours just to say hi and hangout for a bit.  I mean come on?  Doesn’t this look HELLA FUN?

wetrepublic.jpg

I should have just turned around when they wouldn’t let me wear my UCLA basketball jersey in.. but instead we rolled with the punches and paid the $50 cover to get in.

Our friends had bought a locker to put their wallets/shirts/etc. in and sent us the number/code so that we could put our stuff in it.  I was playing poker the next day and decided to just sip on a drink while we were there.  Here’s where SHIT gets interesting.  We meet up with our friends and they’re pretty hammered.  I’m talking to my one buddy and he’s talking his same ole SHIT about Damian Lillard being infinite times better than Russell Westbrook.  But then a curveball, he asks if I want a drink.  Do I want you to buy me a drink?  At a Vegas Pool Party??  FUCK yes I want you to pay $30 for a Vodka Soda for me.  I follow him to the lockers (located right next to the bar) and he pulls out his wallet.

lockers.jpg

We get up to the bar and he orders and starts to pay… but then I notice he has my girlfriend’s wallet and he’s paying with HER MONEY.

Me: “DUDE.. wtf that’s my girlfriends wallet”

Him: “OH SHIT DUDE.. IT WAS IN THE LOCKER THOUGH”

Me: “Yeah… cause she just put it there 10 minutes ago”

Him: “OH MY BAD DUDE”

WTF??!  So he doesn’t have any money on him and now the bartender is waiting for him to pay… and I GET STUCK WITH THE FUCKING BILL.  Is this some next level SHIT to get a free drink??  Or is he just an idiot n00b that can’t be trusted?

What’s the fucking play here if it happened to you?

Zack Greinke Made Juan Soto Piss His Pants & Now The Astros Are One Game Away From Winning The World Series

Short Story..

I played little league baseball from age 4-12 and was a pretty good ballplayer until I hit my growth spurt at 13 and got unusually uncoordinated.  The best part of those years was when my mom would let me play park ball during the offseason.  Park ball was just the baseball league run by the city where anyone was allowed to play.  It didn’t matter if you couldn’t catch, throw, or hit… you were allowed to play.

south-park-baseball.jpg

The mound was closer, the competition softer, and me, being a decent ballplayer, turned into the fucking Babe Ruth of park ball.  Countless no hitters were thrown and homeruns were hit on my end.

ANYWAYS.. when I was 12 we had this kid on our team who had never played baseball and I’m not even sure if he knew the rules.  He was soft too.. like the kind of kid who would cry to get out of riding the rollercoaster growing up.  I felt bad for him and genuinely wanted him to gain some confidence and have fun playing.  It’s the 2nd or 3rd practice of the season and the coach decides to have it at the batting cages.  We’re in the 50 or 60’s cage and this kid steps in for his first time ever.  I’ve never seen anything like it but the very first pitch just nails this kid (standing correctly in the batter’s box) in his leg.  Obviously this kid quit on the spot and probably hates baseball for life, but that’s kind of how I think Juan Soto is feeling right now after this at bat and the Astros being up 3-2 with a chance to WIN THE FUCKING WORLD SERIES tonight.

Yeah Soto may have walked in that at bat… but he was SHOOK the rest of the game.

Astros in 6!